Metaphors

My Internet at home got cut off. So I'm here at work, on duty, waiting around to cover for people who are out in the field or whatever. I took care of some of my own work in the morning so now I'm taking a break. I can't leave the office though so I'm also looking out for someone to cover while I get lunch quick.

Work is a pretty good metaphor for life. It's not even a metaphor, in a way, because you're at work at least eight hours a day. So it IS your life. But I mean it in the sense that at least half of work is extraneous bullshit that you have to do just because that's what a job is. Yeah I guess most of life is exactly like that. Probably because of human depravity or something.

I'm going to try and be better with money, so that I won't need as much of it and can maybe enjoy my post-job life someday.

In a few weeks, I'll be spending a morning and having lunch with the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Not even in my dreams.... I just hope I don't screw it up.

I've had three consecutive four day work weeks. This is a fiver, and it's a little hard to deal with. Just seems super long. Brought some work home with me tonight too.

Most days, I try to think of it as "just a job", which seems to work. Something's weird though, because the things I consider to be part of my job are the same things that my clients take really seriously. I just try to be compassionate.

Think I'll go to the Hat tonight. Then the gym. It's too hot outside so hopefully they'll be blasting the air conditioner at the gym. Tomorrow night I'm going for drinks with some coworkers. Super mellow.

I dunno what I believe, and does it really matter?

Work has been going. That's all I can say accurately because there's never any real progress--once you get done with one thing, another thing comes along to take its place.

During the month since my last post, I was the subject of a complaint by a parent. There wasn't an official review or anything; mostly because the complaint was baseless. I've gotten to the point where I feel that my first responsibility is to the kids. As long as I'm doing what's best for them, I can handle anything that parents or others say about me. So far, my superiors at work have backed me up on this. This parent is sneaky too. She's basically transient, meaning she has places to stay, but no permanent living arrangement. The other day I got a voicemail from her and I left her a message at the number she left. A few days later she left a voicemail saying that this was the second time she was calling and that I needed to address her question. She left a different phone number. Not my fault if you keep moving around and can't get your messages. I'm not easily angered, but this lady gets on my nerves. And it's not only the complaint letter or the insistence that I'm not doing my job; there's other stuff that I can't really get into. In the complaint letter, she demanded that they assign her case to a different worker. Be my guest. See how much other people are willing to tolerate your BS.

Teen mom has really turned things around. Unfortunately, this does not necessarily mean that she'll be getting her kid back. This is my struggle at the moment. I want her to get the kid back, and she's doing all that can be reasonably expected. Her attitude has changed a lot; even my coworkers have noticed it. She's in an anger management group and seems to be learning from it.

The thing is this: she has a history. A long, dramatic history of psychiatric hospitalizations, running away from foster placement, and defiant behavior. Can I blame her? She's been in the system since she was a baby. Nobody's consistently stood on her side or encouraged her to do better. And can I blame them? Every time a kid runs away from placement, the social worker has to fill out tons of different forms to satisfy all of the policy requirements. Group home or foster family agency staff has to write a report of the incident and inform a bunch of different parties. It's a whole lot of work above the whole lot of work we already have.

Maybe it's because I'm new, but I try my best anyway. When I think of how many times this girl has been wronged, it seems like the right thing to do. While I was looking through her file to find some past reports, I realised that I was looking through her entire life, summed up in three and a half boxes full of papers. The roller coaster of doing poorly, doing better, running away, being mistreated, doing better, running away, and so on.

Somebody needs to do right by this girl, and I guess it's going to be me. Maybe. The problem is that this is a situation where the girl's history may prove to be a significant barrier to reunifying with her child. A lot of her past indicates that she's a dangerous person and likely an unfit parent. I can see how some people have already written her off; over the past sixteen years, this girl has demonstrated a pattern of behavior that's destructive to herself and others.

But I see her now a few times every week, and really believe that she's changed. She's still lacking in social graces, and she's still kind of manipulative, but overall, I feel like I'm working with a different person from the girl all those other people wrote about. I think I would argue that this dramatic change, especially in light of what she's been through, shows that she's now capable of being a parent. I'm not ignoring all that stuff in the past, but if she can get treated for it, and has ongoing community support, shouldn't we return her kid to her? How long are we supposed to hold that stuff against her?

But what do I know, anyway? I've been at this job for just under a year. Our Department was responsible for at least ten child fatalities last year. The tides have turned, causing us to be more cautious than less, because kids' lives are in the balance.

I said earlier that my responsibility is to the kid. In this case, it's two kids. There's one who's not old enough to protect herself, and one who's trying her very best to show me that she can be protective. She's resilient and determined and strong. But does that mean she can be a parent without my help? That's what I'll have to decide by October. And I really don't want to decide.

Let me complain some more.

A lot of stuff is going nuts at work. It's been a pretty rough day.

Two of my kids were being used as part of a scheme to get foster care money. I had to move them out of a situation where they were doing pretty well, just not in accordance with Court orders.

I also have a family that's very angry with me over things that I can't control. They keep threatening to sue. When it turns into something like that, I've found that it's really hard to have empathy.

Some people have mentioned that they can't see themselves not hating the people I work with. I have to admit that it isn't always easy to not strongly dislike them. I just have to remember that they're powerless and they lack a lot of resources. So if they want to blow up at me from time to time, I just let them. But sometimes I have to set boundaries.

I dunno. A lot of the time it isn't about whether or not I still believe (I still do), and more about what I can actually accomplish.

Made it halfway through the week.

It always happens like this. I just need to remember. However much crap I have to deal with, I still make it through the day by the grace of God.

There were a couple of articles last week about child deaths, so our Department has been ramping up the PR machine and trying to make us (workers) look bad. I think that child deaths happen for different reasons, so I won't take any sides. But I will say that I think there's validity in CSW complaints that our computer technology is outdated and we don't have access to all the necessary information to properly assess the needs of kids and families. That doesn't mean it's okay for kids to die, or that the workers weren't at fault. At the same time, it doesn't surprise me a lot. There are times when I worry about that stuff too, and I just do what I can and pray a lot.

Teen mom has been tough to deal with. But her attorney told me something today that made me feel a little empathy. She asked her attorney if I could go with her to her first parenting class. It's not because I'm all supportive or anything; it's just that she's not very good at reading and doesn't know how to get there on the bus.

It's easy to forget that people act the way that works for them. I've gotten this far in life by being well-informed and polite. She's gotten this far by being confrontational and deceitful. It's the only thing she knows. And when she needs help, she doesn't know how to ask for it. I'm the same way, but I have resources to help me figure it out. She doesn't.

The Court isn't very pleased with my work right now. I spend a lot of time helping kids but I've neglected my responsibilities to Court. But I think I'll get the hang of it.

Well, another night of sleep and then another day. Not so bad.

Tough Times

I didn't think about this teen mom all day on Wednesday and Friday. It was nice. But tomorrow it's back to the whole thing.

It's just eight hours of each day, and every time I've dreaded it, I've managed to make it through. No matter how tired, frustrated, and disappointed I've been, I've gotten to 5:00pm and gone home. Well...sometimes it's not until 7:00 or 8:00, but I'm more than fairly compensated for that.

But I won't lie; it's tough. Some nights I'm kept awake by the thought that she hasn't actually done anything to get her kid back. I mean, waking up and visiting with her kid three times a week is relatively good for someone with such a difficult past, but it's not enough in the eyes of the law. I don't know if she has the capacity to fully understand it though.

The LA Times printed two articles last week about how in 2008, our Department had 14 child deaths, ten of which are under investigation because the social worker might not have done enough. That kind of stuff kills morale, and it makes our administrators nervous. So they put more staff into Emergency Response and try to tighten up policies. But who knows how that's going to work out.

A lot of my Facebook friends from high school and college are lawyers now. I'm sure that isn't an easy job, but I doubt that most of them are ever in the position to be held accountable for a kid's death.

And then I think maybe I should've worked harder in school so that I could've gotten a cushier job that gave me more time to just sit around and be happy. But it's too late for that now.

I've been having these disturbing nightmares the past few nights. When I wake up, I don't recall what happened, but I just have a sense of dread. It's not fun. I know that I'm not looking forward to falling asleep. But somehow I still get tired enough to do it.

Research shows that most people who were hired under Title IV-E (like me) leave this job after paying back their two years, even in spite of the pretty good pay and benefits. I guess not a lot of people are willing to do this kind of work. I wonder if I'm one of them too.

Well, sleep will come to me. And then I'll wake up in a few hours and put on my wings for another week.

Assertiveness Training

If there's one constant positive that comes from my work, it's that I'm constantly learning. It's safe to say that this job has changed me. The anxieties and difficulties will pass, and I hope what's left will be a person who's more compassionate and empathic towards others.

I've been learning that compassion isn't always about letting people do what they want. I've avoided this reality for a long time, mostly because I've seen this reasoning used often to justify not being civil to people. There are people who say they're "real" and that they "tell it like it is" as an excuse for being mean. I hate to say it, but I've observed this phenomenon to occur most commonly in church.

But anyway I'm learning that there's some truth to the idea that doing the "nice" thing isn't always the most beneficial. Sometimes by being permissive and encouraging, I'm not helping. I guess it's kind of like euthanizing a suffering pet; nobody likes to see an animal in pain, but there are times when you have to choose the lesser of two evils.

No, I didn't have anybody killed. But I spent time with a grandmother this morning where I'd finally had enough, and I just laid it all out. It kind of felt good!

This is the grandmother who (unfortunately) got my County cell phone number and leaves me tons of voicemails during the day and even when I'm off the clock. Every message is basically telling me how I should be doing my job. She came to the office this morning to meet with me because I didn't return her three phone calls from last night at around 7:00. The issue is that her granddaughter is detained in foster care. I'm trying to get the granddaughter placed in the home with the grandmother (she was detained from mom), but unfortunately, all the adults in the home have extensive criminal records. This doesn't totally disqualify them from having her, but it does mean that I have to obtain a criminal clearance waiver through the state before she can be placed there. I don't approve the waiver; the state does. And I've been working on the Court Report for this family, not to mention handling the constant care that my teen mom needs.

Well, GM (grandma) decided that I'm not doing my job. She always threatens to tell my boss. Which is really fine, because THEY understand that I, like all child welfare workers, am responsible for the ongoing care of 20-30 other kids every month. This means being accountable to Court for their whereabouts and well-being, to their parents and family members for providing and verifying participation in services, to their substitute caregivers, etc. I don't just go to the office and twiddle my thumbs all day until I get a check (man...where do I sign up for THAT job?).

I'm not making an excuse for anything. The reality is that I have to do things when I get the time to do them. And I don't handle every step of the process.

GM doesn't seem to understand this. She also seems to like to hear herself talk. I usually take this stuff in stride--I'm not easily upset, and I rarely fire back at anybody for any reason. Other people have observed that this is one of the reasons I seem to be pretty good at this job. We're dealing with people who are so frustrating. It's not always their fault, so I try to be understanding. I also realise that I have to work with these people, so it's in my best interest to not make them mad at me.

But that all ended this morning with GM. Like I said, she loves to talk. She made these accusations, and when I tried to respond, she would interrupt and talk about something else. I usually let this kind of behaviour go, but today I had enough. I handled it in the most polite way I could muster, asking her if it would be okay if I could finish what I was saying before I listened to what she had to say. I think she was really surprised by that.

I also told her that her criminal history isn't my problem. I've done my part in organizing the paperwork and submitting it, but that's where my responsibility ends. I can't force them to process it faster, nor can I definitively tell her when that will be done.

She's also gotten into some disagreements with the foster parents of her granddaughter, leading them to request a 30 day removal from the home. I pretty much told her that placement of children is left up to us (not her). I also told her that technically, she's not a party in this case, so the Court is extending her the courtesy of making orders (visitation, etc.), and that if she continues to interfere with the foster placement, I'll report the facts to the Court and request that they limit the grandparents' involvement. I wasn't making a threat. I sincerely don't want it to come to that. But if necessary, I'll do what I have to do.

I think the harshest thing I said was, "Please don't insult me by saying that I'm not working for you." It felt pretty good. Honestly, I'm not even accountable to her. I take time out to deal with her crap because I'm trying to be nice and to keep her involved. I hope she can understand this.

I'm pretty good at this job. Not the best by any stretch. But I truly care about what I do and I take steps to make sure that I'm doing things right. I'm not embarrassed to admit when I've made a mistake. At the same time, when I AM doing my job, I'll no longer stand for people who insinuate that I'm not.

This job is changing me. I think it's for the better.